Happy New 2021! Does it feel like this year has been long already? With all that’s going on in our country, I pray this message provides encouragement and helps us all re-focus. Normally I kick the new year off with a new, happy series of messages. I will do that after I finish this one last, heart-rending message of lessons learned from loving our neighbors– my journey with my alcoholic cousin Mark.
In Part 2 on December 29th I described last Christmas with Mark and finally moving him to his wonderful Assisted Living Facility on January 17th. I wish I could say that he loved it there, since it was luxurious compared to the dilapidated crack house where he had lived prior to October 2019. Mark seemed grateful and tried to make friends. He complained about the food and didn’t like that he couldn’t leave the facility to ride wherever he wanted.
Mark continued to experience complications from his cirrhosis of the liver. In February 2020 he was rushed to the emergency room from East Towne Manor, where he remained in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) for two weeks, then was moved to a regular hospital room. My aunt Nancy and I visited Mark in the hospital on March 16th, right before the COVID-19 quarantine began the next day.
Mark was in the hospital so long he became weak in his legs and was released to a physical rehabilitation hospital for two more weeks. The physical therapists were excellent to help strengthen his legs. I spoke with him several times while he was there. I sent him an Easter care package there with a card and chocolate. It was his first Easter as a Christian.
I remember Mark calling me on Good Friday, April 10th. It brings tears to my eyes to reflect on his voice and his words after I said Hello. Mark said, “Hi, Danya. I know today is a big day as a Christian. Do I say ‘Happy Good Friday?'” We talked about how somber the day was, but how the best and brightest day–my favorite day of each year–Jesus’ Resurrection Sunday was coming.
The next week Mark was released back to East Towne Manor. Because of COVID-19 restrictions, I still was unable to see him in person and hug him. Ten days later Mark was rushed back to the emergency room because of his high ammonia levels and the end stages of cirrhosis.
Then the call came. On Friday, May 1st the Hospice Nurse called me as Mark’s Healthcare Power of Attorney to give permission to move Mark to hospice. My hands shook as I printed the hospice approval papers she emailed me, scanned and returned them.
The Hospice nurses were so sweet each time I called, multiple times a day. On Sunday, May 3rd they said I could come visit him at Carolina Medical Center’s Harris Hospice Unit. I left immediately after church to visit Mark. I drove into the eerily empty hospital parking lot.
Wearing my mask I walked into the only entrance open to the hospital. They gave me a forehead temperature check, then a nurse escorted me to the Hospice Unit. The hallowed halls were echoing from lack of people and movement. It was such a weird feeling to be there. It was almost like walking in a mausoleum.
They walked me to Mark’s hospice room and had me put on a haz-mat suit and gloves. Mark looked so pitiful. Tears sprung to my eyes. I spoke to Mark, telling him I loved him and how proud I was of him. He couldn’t open his eyes but he tried to move his mouth as if he was responding. He heard me.
Medical experts have said the last sense to go is hearing. Friends, please keep telling your loved ones you love them, even when you don’t think they can hear you. They can.
I held Mark’s hand with my purple latex-gloved hands. I began softly serenading him with “Amazing Grace” and his favorite hymn “In the Garden.” He moved his mouth and looked to smile. He heard.
I hugged him, wept, told him again how much I loved him and how I thanked God for entrusting me with Mark’s care. I told him much Jesus loved him. I said good-bye and left in tears. The nurses were lined down the hall sweetly, and I thanked them.
Close to the double doors of the Hospice Unit was the chapel. I was drawn in. I fell to my knees, weeping with mixed emotions. Weariness, gratitude, love for the Lord and Mark and mere frustration with how hard parts of the journey had been. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Mark.
The next day, Monday, May 4th, I received the call that Mark had gone to be with Jesus. Right after the calls began coming to me about cremation, eye donation. Tough calls and decisions were made. The Liver specialist after his diagnosis had given him six months. Mark lived 6 1/2 months. He fought the good fight.
Back in October when Mark came back into my life he confessed he had no savings account, no 401K retirement, no car, no home, no life insurance. He came with little and only wanted love and forgiveness. At the end Mark had enough to pay his bills and had $200 left over.
I remember hearing the story of a pastor Denny Bellesi in California who gave out 100 $100 cash bills in his church as a Kingdom Assignment to live out Matthew 25’s Parable of the Talents. Each family had 60 days to pay the $100 forward to God’s Kingdom and tell the church how they had spent the money. That amazing assignment went viral, made international news AND became a book.
I was so inspired I took 10 $20 cash bills and sent a Kingdom Assignment letter to my family members in memory of Mark. I wanted to honor him and his renewed life. I couldn’t wait to hear how they paid it forward to carry on Mark’s legacy. It was beautiful to witness.
My favorite story was from my uncle Mike in Texas. He texted me that he gave the $20 to an up and coming church in Dallas. He said the pastor teared up when he read the letter and said he would tell his whole congregation to do the same. I bawled like a baby when I read this good news text. Mark finished strong. He finished strong.
As we held my cousin Mark Kelly Sellers’ Memorial Service at his Mom’s Mausoleum Chapel in July 2020, my church Senior Adult Pastor Ron gave a homily, and a sweet group assembled to honor Mark’s life. Mark’s AA sponsor came, his Bible Study Group Leader Don came, who also played “Taps” by trumpet at the end. Mom and I later that weekend spread Mark’s ashes off the Blue Ridge Parkway since he had been born in the NC mountains. He was finally free.
What lessons did I learn as I/ we love our neighbors and loved Mark?
- Please keep unconditionally loving your neighbors and telling them about Jesus. Mark accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior at 67 years old on October 27, 2019 and had been an atheist.
- Honor and respect everyone, even when and especially they have differing viewpoints than you. All lives matter.
- Medical teams, especially doctors and nurses, deserve medals of honor.
- Memorial Services and funerals are not for the one who passed away; they are needed for closure for the loved ones left behind and to celebrate life.
- Do your best to help your “neighbors” and loved ones finish strong and carry on their legacy as best you can.
- Honor healthy boundaries and remember addiction is messy.
- Encourage addicts to attend Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. They work miracles.
- Give yourself grace and remember that each day is an opportunity to begin again.
Reflect:
” Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” –2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV
Recharge:
Alcoholics Anonymous. Find a chapter near you. https://aa.org/
Kingdom Assignment Interview with Pastor Denny and Leesa Bellesi. How will you multiply your Kingdom Assignment?
Danya Jordan